Tear Open

Sorry to my twitter peeps who have to see this image again. It's me trying to extract meaning from events, and it will probably look very silly in a few years. A common theme to the events surrounding my return to home is "tear open". A Homonym is the same word with a different meaning and pronunciation depending on the context of the sentence. "Tear" in one context, as in "tear a paper in half", is a destructive verb. "Tear" in the other context is a noun; the name of the liquid that drips from an eye, and for the purposes of humans it generally is an emotional indicator. Tear open. Outward emotion. Rip apart. Tear open.

I had a small fantasy building up for a pretty friend while I was in the process of moving back. I thought she would be glad to see me after such a long time and we could catch up with each other. I was definitely looking forward to catching up with her because she is so pretty and intelligent; it is an absolute joy to speak with her. It turned out not to be as peachy as I had imagined it up to be. I wrote this the night I saw her, in a bit of a manic state:

"We've stayed good friends over the years and she's not working and i know she lives alone so i thought it would be nice to put like a care package together for her food, water, masks, i even bought her a cute top i saw in virginia beach and wanted to give to her while im back anyways i drive up to her place and knock on her door and she says 'give me 5 minutes' so im waiting outside her apartment door for like 8 minutes then she opens the door but steps out and says we should smoke outside and i told her wait i brought u stuff and she refused to take it even said 'give it to a hobo, or someone who needs it' so we walk outside her apartment, its nighttime, and I put the bag down and we have a smoke she's literally 6ft away strictly following CDC guidelines and im asking her if she's alright, if she doesnt want everything she could take some of it, but she still refuses and im talking to her and shes on her phone texting and were out there on the street sucking on cigarettes between questions and some 2 urban looking dudes come up to us one guy has a camelback like with water and the other dude is some cholo lookin guy who i learned just got out of prison and i didnt want to ask for what but if i had to guess it would be something drug-related and they start chatting up my friend and it turns out they're both rappers one of them had a "green lego" and was tweaked as hell the other dude was talking really fast and sorta mumbling saying to follow them on soundcloud i am not making this up and that he was 4 credit hours away from being a minister and how aliens are real and that he owns a military grade laser and this goes on for about 20 minutes these guys chatting up me and my friend before they finally fuck off to their apartment down the street and then some guy rolls up and they're going to go record something because she's a studio engineer, my friend, and so im sitting there, on my 2nd cigarette talking about the city of new york to my friend's friend and were all being very cool about it, he plays cello and guitar and has plans to move to Alaska whatever ok so then they take off and im in front of her apartment with a bag of groceries and the top i bought her and i say bye to my friend and her friend when the guys from earlier came back and start shining the military grade green laser at us so i got in my car and got the fuck out of there."

I have a tendency to build people up in my head before seeing them. Maybe it is a common occurrence, who knows, it's not like people regularly discuss these intricacies of socializing; probably the point of writing this! Revealing the unspoken, hidden chasms of human interaction. Those are a bit fascinating to me when I realize them because maybe such an experience is not unique to me but something that is true for anyone experiencing a relationship. Anyway, my small fantasy with this friend was torn wide open. I feel like she completely blew me off and was reluctant to see me, which hurt to realize since I was looking forward to seeing her. This also made me realize maybe I'm just used to the reaction I had been receiving from family after being in quarantine for five months; of course they are glad to see me. And this was the first instance after coming back to my hometown where someone was not glad to see me. I took it very personal the night of, but with the weekend passed in retrospect i should not take it so personally maybe she is going through a rough time as most people are because of the virus, and also possible family trouble so my ego is in no place to be hurt because of one incident, though I don't want to reach out to her again because I do still feel she is reluctant to speak with me. I dont want to hold a grudge against her, but i genuinely got the feeling she doesnt care that much about me anymore as a friend, which is perfectly fine in the grand scheme of things. I wont reach out to her anymore unless she reaches out first. I will be happy if she ever does, and understanding if she doesnt.

It's just odd thinking about reaching out to other friends now. Should I apply the same rule of reaching out only when they do? That's not a good way to live, I've come to realize, because if everyone lived by this rule, no one would ever reach out to anyone. It takes courage to reach out to friends who you haven't seen in a while and on top of that there is covid to worry about. Its much easier to do what I have been doing, focusing on myself, my work, my hobbies, but I am all too aware of the pitfalls this kind of existence has. Like, focusing on yourself. It's bullshit and lonely.

My right knee decided to tear open when my bike hit a piece of sidewalk that subscribed to a non-conformist ideology. Good on that sidewalk for breaking barriers, bad for my knee and bicycle. From this angle you can't really tell, but it is a heart-shaped wound. A prescient wound, since this happened before meeting my friend.

The objects necessary to my survival tore open in my parents living room in a messy arrangement of electronic devices, my guitar, clothing, and mattress. I am very eager to move into my apartment this week. The rest of my stuff is in a storage unit. I can finally be at peace by myself again because although I am happy to see my family I have moments where I miss the tranquility of being by myself.